Ice, milk and bread

 Well, it finally happened. Winter came and punched Southern Arkansas in the gut this past weekend and on into President’s Day. Friday after work I went to the local discount chain store and found a chaotic scene.
It’s not that I didn’t expect it, which is why I was surprised when I walked in and found people with blank looks on their faces running around looking for milk and bread.
What exactly is it about milk and bread and ice storms? Is there a special handbook given out by our local, state or national governments dictating what to buy in case of an ice storm? And does this handbook say that one must, and I repeat must, buy milk and bread in order to survive?
If such a handbook exists, I want a copy of it, please.
Our government does operate a Web site on how best to prepare for disasters. It includes preparations for every kind of disaster, including chemical, biological and nuclear attacks, as well as natural disasters like earthquakes, tornados, floods and hurricanes.
But none of these mention stocking up on milk and bread in order to survive.
I pulled a little satirical gag on one of my friends Friday evening by writing a phony news story about this very topic. She fell for it, until the very end where I hung the tag line that the story was, in fact, satire. It made its rounds through dozens of people, so I heard, and I wanted to share it.
•••
LITTLE ROCK — Violence erupted this morning at a Little Rock grocery store as throngs of angry residents protested a lottery system for the last gallons of milk and loafs of bread.
Most Little Rock and North Little Rock grocery stores and Wal-Mart Supercenters were cleaned out late Thursday after meteorologists predicted a major winter storm for much of Arkansas this weekend, creating high demand for staples such as milk and bread.
The lottery system was deemed necessary by the manager of the Harvest Foods on Cantrell Road since the store is one of only a few that still has food on its shelves.
Dozens were injured when an angry mob plowed over the store’s manager, Jim Stamps, 24, of Little Rock, as he was handing out the lottery numbers. Stamps suffered minor cuts and bruises.
“It was like something out of the apocalypse,” Stamps said as he sat in an ambulance outside the store. “I’ve never seen anything like it. These people are (expletive) crazy! The last thing I remember seeing is a large woman coming at me screaming: I gotta have milk and bread!”
Two women were arrested and taken to the Pulaski County Jail after a fight broke out in front of the store’s milk cooler. Jill Harris, 34, of Little Rock, and Susan Jacobs, 45, of North Little Rock, began to scuffle over the last gallon of milk.
Eye witness Jim Duncan described the scene. “That blond haired lady (Harris) began whaling on that other lady (Jacobs) like no tomorrow,” Duncan said. “She hit her head against the shoppin’ cart and then hit her over the head with a can of biscuits. All for a gallon of milk.”
Neither of the women ended up with the milk, as the plastic jug was split open during the altercation. Little Rock Police are still investigating at the scene.
Note: All names and incidences in this piece are purely fictional, and if any names are similar or exact to a real person, dead or alive, it was purely unintentional.