BREAKING NEWS
HOLLYWOOD — Press Pass has just learned that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, affectionately known as "TomCat" by their adoring fans, are pregnant once again. This is the first of many children expected by TomCat, as Cruise announced that he has become an "afterbirth addict" since eating Holmes' placenta from the birth of Suri, the couple's first child.
"I just can't get enough of it," Cruise said outside of the Paris Mission Impossible III premiere. "It's just so great, and I feel so close to Katie and the baby, and oh my God, I mean, oh my L. Ron Hubbard, it makes me feel so much closer to Scientology, too. My goal is to keep Katie seeded up with my children forever."
This announcement had many TomKat fans buzzing, as they can't imagine how they'll be able to afford the dozens of People Magazine covers that will appear after each baby's birth.
Susan James, TomKat's self-described "number one fan," said she would go so far as to kill someone to get the first glimpse of Suri or any other baby the couple has. "Me and my girlfriends have TomKat chat parties, and we log on and look for photos of Suri," said James. "I know that someone out there has a photo, and I'm gonna find it."
Cruise and Holmes have been reluctant to reveal Suri's photo to the public, and hundreds of photographers around the world are scrambling to be the first to snap the infant's mugshot. Once they do, the appetites of fans like James will be whetted momentarily.
"I just want to see one photo of little Suri," said James. "Just one. Is that too much to ask!"
Cruise hasn't announced any official word on the sex of his new baby, only saying that, "We couldn't be happier. If it's a boy, I'm naming him 'L.'"
***Please note that this is satire, of course.
1 comment:
Ok, that is just weird, sick and disgusting! Please tell me you made up that part about him eating the placenta. ewwww!
And you know the reason they aren't releasing any photos is because the baby is ugly. With him being a scientologist it's probably an alien anyway. I still have trouble believing she never made any noise during labor...maybe that's why the baby looks like a freak and there are no photos, because it's deformed from the scientology birth.
And on top of everything, isn't it a little soon for them to be having another baby? I thought there was a "waiting period" before she should get pregnant again. You know so the body has time to heal and everything.
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