Global tensions rise as U.S. president falters *Satire*

PYONGYANG — North Korea shocked the world today with the announcement that it has more than 25 intercontinental ballistic missiles capable of reaching any point on the globe.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il made the announcement to quash rumors that the country’s recent nuclear test was a failure, and to tell the world that it has armed its missiles and they are ready to fire.

“We have the right to ensure our safety and protection of our people,” Jong Il said Thursday. “We have been developing these weapons over the past five years, and we are proud to say that they are fully functional and ready to go.”

Word of a nuclear-armed North Korea spread through the global community like wildfire Thursday, prompting U.S. President George W. Bush to call an emergency meeting with world leaders to “try and cool off the situation.”

In a news conference at the White House, Bush said that the U.S. has no intentions of entering a military conflict with North Korea.

***
TEHRAN — Following North Korea’s lead, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced today that his country also has nuclear capabilities. Ahmadinejad made the stunning announcement outside his Tehran office early Thursday afternoon, although he declined to say how many nuclear warheads his country might have.

“We are armed to the teeth, and the world should watch out, because we are ready for anyone,” he said. “We will not back down any longer.”

In response to the news, U.S. President George W. Bush has placed the U.S. military on high alert and is calling for Americans to remain calm.

“We understand that this situation is serious, but everyone must realize that we are staying the course on terrorism. We aren’t going to bow down to terrorists,” Bush said. “The United States will not negotiate with North Korea or Iran. They understand our policy.”

The United States is holding emergency talks with NATO countries at the U.N. this afternoon in New York. Bush, who appeared flustered and shaky, said that “it will take everyone acting together to diffuse this situation.”

***
WASHINGTON D.C. — White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan announced Thursday afternoon that U.S. President George W. Bush dashed under the bed in Lincoln’s Bedroom and will not be coming out until rising global tensions ease.

McClellan said that Vice President Dick Cheney will be taking over duties for the U.S. amid rising tensions with North Korea and Iran.

Cheney is expected to hold a news conference at 7 p.m. this evening with further details on Bush’s condition. As of 5 p.m., White House staff members were trying to coax Bush from under the bed with a plate of chocolate chip cookies.

There is no word on whether Bush is experiencing a nervous breakdown, although unnamed sources inside the White House have said that it is a “strong possibility.” One staff member, who asked not to be named because of the sensitive nature of the situation, said that Bush was chanting, “Stay the course, stay the course, we can win this war in Iraq,” from under Lincoln’s bed.

Cheney will be sworn in as President of the United States at 6 p.m. E.S.T.